RepuGaytions
by Freaking Cage
Summary: Kanda is accused and caught in the act of extreme homosexuality. This contains every form of crack from Coca-cola to Lavi's butt.


Rating: Mostly PG-13

Warnings: Kanda/Accused, and some possible Kanda-OOCness due to many a flustered situation.

Reasoning: Why?...Because I love Kanda. ♥

Flames will be happily used to keep these German nights warm...I miss California...

--

Kanda slammed the door and did his best to regain his breathing. No, fuck that! What the hell was going on here? he wondered, glancing fearfully at the door behind him and holding his back against it with all his weight. A moment later shouts and banging were heard on the other side, and Kanda searched fervently for something to block the door while he escaped out the window.

Not a fucking thing in sight. Just his luck to enter an empty closet.

Just as Kanda was rolling his eyes in aggravation, the sounds outside the door were muffled by another sound. Kanda's eyes stopped mid-circle as the sound of a chainsaw was growing louder and louder.

Kanda Yuu cursed everything in existence while simultaneously preparing for his death.

--One hour earlier--

Kanda Yuu was in a surprisingly good mood. He'd only been spoken to once--and therefore only had to retort a stinging remark once--and the sun hadn't done its usual annoying blinding thing that morning. Kanda's forehead was completely smooth for today--though never without his trademark frown--as he sat down at the third table from the entryway on the right, at the far end next to the window. The middle made him open for company and the seat at the other end of the table would cause people to annoyingly bump their trays into his arms, as he was left handed when eating. He delicately broke his chopsticks in two, said a short prayer of thanks and began his meal, in peace.

For two minutes.

Kanda Yuu didn't know why the bastard named Lavi had come into existence, but his guess relied heavily on a situation involving alcohol.

"Yuu-chi!"

A lot of it.

"Yuu-chan! Yuu-chan! Yuuuuuuuu-chaaaaaaa--"

"Shut the hell up damn rabbit!" Kanda shoved his chopsticks into the young man's good eye and Lavi yelped before plopping down next to 'his super best buddy ever'. He took the chopsticks, and after wondering how Kanda was supplied with another set already, took a generous helping of Kanda's steaming hot tempura soba.

"Youch! Why'th it tho hot?" Lavi asked tongue hanging out for him to inspect any burns.

Kanda's forehead wrinkled as he swallowed his helping. "Get away." he said dryly, sipping from the scalding liquid with ease and poise.

"Blech. How can you eat the same thing every day? Don't you get tired of it? I myself prefer to eat curry on Wednesdays, and maybe a hamburger on Thursday, Friday of course is Popcorn day, in the morning with cheese, in the midday with butter, and caramel at night. Saturdays--"

"I don't care about your eating habits you over-energized rodent. Get lost."

"Mondays are always Italian days, I don't know why but Monday just sounds Italian to me. Don't you kind of think so? Monday, M_ond_ay, MonDAY, **Mon**day..." Kanda's jugular vein was doing a nice number as it carried a beating tune with Lavi's repetition of the word 'Monday'. Kanda's eyebrows lined up, at attention and ready to strike. Luckily, Lavi got to the point quickly. "But anyway! Allen's coming back today on a mission!"

"What makes you think I care?" Kanda asked between sips of his soba broth.

"Aw come on, it's Allen! Everybody loves Allen."

"I think it should be extremely clear that I am not _everybody_, nor am I a part of _everybody_."

"You know if you annunciate 'a part' wrong it sounds like you _are_ part of everyone? Isn't that funny how words can be the exact opposite and--"

Kanda gave Lavi his best 'glare of pain and death'.

"Well anyway, that's not my point. My point is I wanted to tell Johnny, but he's locked himself in the rec room and I can't blow down the door without taking the entire floor with it, so I was thinking you could mosey your way on up there for me and 'chop chop!' the door with your bea-uuuuuuu-tiful Mugen." Lavi smiled amiably, green eye sparkling with amusement and pleasure.

He was shut down faster than a Dell computer. "No."

"Ah come on! It'll take like, two seconds! Not to mention it's on your way back to your room anyway!"

"What makes you think I'm going back to my room?"

Lavi looked baffled. "Where else would you go?"

Kanda was about to come up with a brilliant burning remark, only to find he couldn't come up with any. "Che. Shut up." He drained the last of his meal and stood, shoving the red-haired compatriot out of his way, causing a few grunts and whines from the person being abused.

"Yuu-chan! Yuuuuu-chan! Oh come on!" Lavi shouted, but was ignored quite thoroughly, and Lavi didn't feel like getting up to chase after his friend, seeing as it was such a nice day and the sun was shining on him nicely. That, and the fact he was _extremely _lazy.

Kanda made a left at the door and headed for the elevators. He stood in front of the door, reaching out to push the button before he was beaten to it.

"Hello Kanda-san." Reever smiled, but it didn't quite reach his bagged eyes. It was the second night he'd gone without sleep, and right now, he sincerely hoped Kanda wasn't in a bitching mood.

"Hmm." Kanda acknowledged, and Reever let out a mental sigh of relief. The elevator chimed open and Reever held out his hand.

"After you." he said kindly, and Kanda ignored the gesture, entering before Reever could finish. Reever didn't bother to take it personally, and entered after him, wavering slightly in his stance as the elevator seemed to travel much too fast for his head to keep up with. Kanda occupied his time with staring at the highlighted floor levels, never blinking and barely breathing.

This elevator was going damn fast, Kanda noticed.

A pang went off and Kanda started when he heard something akin to a gunshot going off above them. Reever let out a shocked yell and dropped to his rear from the sudden halt of the elevator. Kanda was a bit more steady than Reever, but at the second jolt, the elevator fell two floors and even Kanda wasn't able to keep his ground. With a very unceremonious thump he fell on top of Reever. He muttered a curse under his breath and tried to regain his balance. The elevator wasn't finished however and gave another large twitch. Kanda fell again, and an audible loss of breath was heard from Reever.

Reever smacked his head against the ground at the third jolt and received a momentary unconsciousness from the effect. He opened his eyes with a struggle and took in a deep breath, moaning as something large and hard was on top of him. He tasted something in his mouth--strangely thin and stringy, tasting like peaches-- and spit it out. Unsuccessful the first time, he tried again using his finger to remove the stuff.

Reever removed it and stared at it peculiarly. "Hair?" he said aloud. He turned his face to stare up at the ceiling, and found himself face to face with a very annoyed (and very pretty) exorcist.

"Do you mind?" Kanda bit out and Reever said nothing as he dropped the hair. Kanda moved to get up when he felt his hand squash something soft, and instantaneously hearing Reever cry out in pain.

"My balls!" he cried, clutching his manhood and doing his best to hold back tears.

Kanda would have apologized had it been in his nature, but instead, he jumped up as quickly as he could and moved to the opposite end of the elevator.

"Dammit." he said instead, blushing red and refusing to look anywhere save the door. He whipped out his sword and jammed it into the machine's ceiling, creating a hole and jumping through it. Below him, awful noises of pain and discomfort sounded, and Kanda thought of cockroaches in order to remove the blush staining his pale skin. Putting the embarrassing recent memory out of his mind, he left the scientist and his abused sex to fend for themselves.

Kanda grunted in relief seeing the close proximity of the floor above him, and quickly leapt to the wall and began climbing to his escape. It was no easy task, opening a closed solid metal door while holding one's balance doing the splits across two walls, but Kanda managed it with as little embarrassment as he could and jumped into the floor the moment it became available. Kanda ignored the few stares he received and walked to the stairs, but after hearing a muffled echoing cry, grabbed the nearest finder and glowered at him, "Call maintenance and get that shit elevator working by dinner." he growled and threw the finder away.

Quickly and without remorse, he walked away from the scene and ran up the stairs, without actually appearing to run. Halfway up to the 25 floor, Kanda was blocked by unwanted company.

There appeared to be a dead body on the third step. Lying across the step in a pitiful heap was the one and only Aleister Crowley, who seemed not to be breathing. Kanda would have merely jumped over the thing and carried on his way to near seclusion, had the thought of a dead decomposing body smelling in the stairway brought itself forward. That, and the possibility that the elevator may not be in usage added Kanda to perform a concerned act, without the actual concern. He bent down and looked at the man. He was completely still and Kanda saw no rising or falling of his chest. Kanda frowned and picked up the man's wrist, trying to take a pulse. Unfortunately, Crowley's gloves were so tight that Kanda wasn't able to pull them back far enough to get a pulse.

He sighed roughly and put his fingers to Crowley's jugular, trying to find one. It was weak, but there. Kanda leaned down and put his ear to the man's mouth, trying to catch a semblence of oxygen. Kanda adjusted his seat to be a little more comfortable in getting closer and put one hand on each side of the half-dead guy. He leaned forward, frown growing wider and sighing in distaste.

That was when someone screamed.

The dead guy jumped to life and ended up slamming his forehead with Kanda's. Both men were stunned and rubbed their heads eagerly, trying to dispel the pain to no avail.

"What--oh--I'm--wh--I'm so sorry! I mean--oh my god--I had no idea--!" Kanda looked up to see his next victim and caught a very nervous looking Miranda, her eyes bulging, her hands at her mouth, practically swallowing them in some kind of horror. "I-I didn't mean to interrupt--!"

"Interrupt what stupid?" Kanda barked.

"That you two were...uh--I'm so sorry!"

Kanda stared fixedly at the sight of her retreating figure. "Huh?" he questioned, mostly to himself. He shook his head out and stood, ignoring the crying man below him, and mostly angered that he'd been perfectly fine the whole time. "Damn vampire. Get a bed next time."

Kanda left the sniffling man on he stairs, and Crowley looked at his silky hair, wondering just what had happened.

Kanda burst open the door to his floor and growled his distaste for the past events that had taken place. It had been such a nice day and then--

He needed some fucking coffee.

Kanda paused his gait and turned to the room to his left. The rec room door was, as Lavi had said--locked. Kanda muttered a curse or two and opened the door easily with a few slashes, hardly causing the wood to creak before it slipped from its post and to the floor in pieces. Kanda looked past the gigantic flat screen TV and the rabbit posters and took notice of someone. On the couch was a small figure, magazine on its face, and two small tufts of frizzy hair popping out from above the pages. Kanda sneered, but edged in closer.

The snoring was obnoxious, but Kanda stopped thinking that shortly. He stopped thinking anything really. He picked up the magazine and held it carefully, like a dead frog that one found unexpectedly on the window of their car before work. He held it, eyes wide and in horror as he looked across the spread page in the center. He turned his head to the left and gagged.

Johnny read gay porn magazines.

Kanda stopped the urge to throw up and clutched the pages, staggering slightly from his lost innocence--and not the retrievable kind.

"You think it's true?"

"I don't know, but Miranda-san looked pretty freaked. She said she caught Kanda-san and Crowley-san making out on the stairwell, and she isn't really one to lie. Too superstitious you know?"

"Yeah, but Kanda-san?"

"Yeah, he doesn't seem to be into that--"

Kanda looked up from his horrified stupor and looked at the two people standing in the door. They weren't anyone special--just engineers on their way to grab some joe before getting to work on Komui's latest robot project--and yet so important as to the scene they witnessed at that moment.

And how they translated it.

To the best of their ability, this is what the two engineers claimed to have seen, the moment they rushed out of the room to tell anyone within yelling distance: Kanda, wide-eyed and nervous looking, was standing over Johnny with a gay porn magazine, sweating and obviously out of breath. Translation: Kanda had been masturbating over Johnny's sleeping form.

Kanda didn't know what had happened, all he could do was try to regain a somewhat composed face--even with Kanda's years of practice, nothing could have quite prepared him for this--dropped the magazine and left the room, hardly remembering the fact two people had walked in moments before and left in an awful rush. It was all he could do to get the image of two men humping each other out of his blistered mind.

So distraught was this poor young man, he went down the hall and entered the room next to his. He opened the door, closing it softly and dropping his jacket from his shoulders. He quickly headed to the bathroom to give himself a much needed cold slap of water to his face, slamming the door behind him and turning on the faucet full blast. He splashed his face and reached out, eyes closed and grabbed the nearest towel. He retched it from the hook and buried his face in it, letting out a long unadulterated groan of anger and terror.

He noticed almost immediately that the towel was already wet.

He dropped it from his hands and looked up to the mirror.

"Um, can I have that back," a polite voice came out a bit strained, "Yuu-chan?" For a moment there was silence. For a moment there was peace. For a moment, there was death.

And after that moment came an extremely awkward moment. Kanda, so completely befuddled he could hardly keep a straight face, handed the towel back to Lavi with immense care and precision, dropping it into his hand and making sure not to look down. Kanda closed his eyes and started walking out of the bathroom, never planning on darkening the door again with his humiliated and mentally dead shadow.

He'd forgotten that he'd closed the door. He slammed into it nose first and came barreling back, falling into Lavi's unexpected arms. Automatically tears filled his eyes and Kanda struggled to open them, but only suffered to fill them up again with the awful light gleaming into his eyes unsympathetically.

"Hey! Are you okay?" Lavi asked, concerned for his friend and forgetting for a bit about the extremely compromising position they were in, Lavi's towel thrown to the floor and Kanda lying in his arms eyes full of damning tears and head surrounded by stars.

"Hey Lavi, where are the streamers?" a perky female sounded from outside the door. Lenalee was so excited for Allen's return, she'd gone all out with Lavi to make sure it was to be a great party. Allen loved coming home, and she loved welcoming him. She was in such a state of rush, she didn't bother with modesty, and hearing the thump from the bathroom, she only assumed it was Lavi knocking on the door to allow her entrance.

She opened the door, smiling cheerfully, but it soon dropped with her gaze.

"W...What in the world...?" she asked in wonder, mouth hanging open and eyes wider than half her face. Lavi made wild motions with his hands, trying to deny with expression what he could not verbally, but all of it went past Lenalee's head when she saw Kanda look at her, with a gaze so mournful and full of hurt and tears that she assumed away.

Lenalee was never one to insinuate things, but having the natural instinct to protect, tears often provoked delirious thoughts. Here is what Lenalee would later relate to everyone she passed coffee too: Kanda's face was red and hurt, and he had been crying something awful. His hand held Lavi's with passionate fervor as he leaned over his best friend's long naked form, and he looked completely breathless. Translation: Kanda had tried to rape Lavi.

Absolutely confused as to what to do, Lenalee continued to stare, while Lavi continued to protest with his hands, while Kanda tried to register what the fuck was happening and what that dark splotch was. It was just before Kanda realized the dark splotch was Lenalee that Komui entered. Komui's glasses broke instantly at the sight of what appeared to be two young men making love on the bathroom floor was laid before his sister.

His lovely, kind, generous, INNOCENT, baby sister.

Komui was not pleased. "LENALEE SHIELD YOUR EYES!" he bellowed and covered his sister's eyes rather harshly with his coffee cup. She picked her up and placed her out of harm's way, Lenalee herself barely responding, the image of her two oldest pals--doing...things. Komui returned to the bathroom with eyes full of hatred, and a wrath to match Medusa's. "How dare you force my sister to watch a live pornographic scene of you!!" he shouted, ears gleaming red and mouth looking most akin to a shark's. Lavi huddled beneath Kanda and brought his towel to shield his face, hoping to go somehow unnoticed.

Kanda, as always, looked very pissed off.

This did not help matters.

Komui took off in a blind rage and whipped out what looked to be pens, throwing them at Kanda. Kanda darted quickly and Lavi shrieked something awful, one landing straight past his good eye. Kanda paused to register the fact that Lavi screamed like a girl, but returned to the business of evading Komui's pens, cup, pocketbook, checkbook and--daggers?

Kanda ran from the room and sped down the hall, Komui hot at his heels. He jumped down numerous flights of stairs and headed straight to the science room, his only chance to lose Komui in the crowd of scientists.

Kanda's hair flew past curious on-goers, and only served as a marker for those who were 'knowledgeable'.

"Did you hear about Kanda-san?"

"Can you believe that guy's queer?"

"I never would have thought!"

"But when yoiu think about it, it kind of makes sense."

"Yeah, he's always wound up so tight, guess he just couldn't...hide it anymore."

"I heard he broke the elevator in order to sexually harass Reever-buchou."

"Wow, talk about drastic."

"Tell me about it."

"Did you hear about Crowley? Apparently Kanda tried kissing him in the stairway too!"

"What about poor Johnny? Being masturbated over! How _creepy_."

Kanda heard none of this as he whipped past them all in search of salvation.

"Come back here you peek-show pervert! What were you going to call it?! _Historical Liaisons?! Bookkeeper's Favorite Past Time?! The Tail of Genji?!_ Having man-sex with that librarian in front of MY SISTER! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU KANDA YUUUUUU!!" Komui ran after him at full speed, and Kanda didn't think past running to register anything Komui was saying. Extremely grateful for his speed, Kanda dashed past everyone in his way and ducked into the nearest door, locking it and stopping to catch his breath.

So here he was now, locked in a closet, half dressed, very incoherent, and completely fucked.

Apparently, in more ways than one.

Could this possibly get any worse? Kanda thought as the chainsaw began annihilating the door behind him.

--

Allen Walker sighed happily and smiled at the thought of returning home. Yes, this was his home now, and strange and unorthodox it may be, he loved it more than anyone could.

"Let's go Timcanpy!" he called cheerfully, and the golden orb with wings hovered above his head, zipping from side to side enthusiastically. Allen laughed and tickled under Timcanpy's wing. Timcanpy wiggled happily, and the two made their way up the hill to the Black Order HQ. About halfway there, when Allen was sighing about how rare this nice weather was up here at HQ, he noticed something odd outside a third floor window. Straining his eyes and shielding them from the sun, he took another look, only to discover what he'd seen was now gone. Allen shook his head in absence, and continued on his way.

When he was two-thirds of the way there, he noticed a person running towards him with long black hair and immense speed. Not looking too carefully, Allen smiled, knowing it to be Lenalee, and how happy he was to see her again! He wondered if Lavi was in the kitchen getting everything ready for his arrival, and blushed a bit at his imposing thoughts. How selfish to think they would throw a party for him every time he came home!

Allen sighed and smiled, and waited for the welcoming figure to reach him with a hug and a cheerful "Welcome Home!"

He didn't get a hug, or a 'welcome home'. He didn't get a smile, or a 'good to see you'.

Allen Walker got run over.

Kanda had been half-blinded because of some splinters getting into his eyes, and therefore didn't see the little bean sprout in front of him, taking his white hair to be a cloud and the little golem beside him the sun. So plowing into the said cloud was somewhat shocking for the already startled and nerved young exorcist.

"What the hell Kanda!" Allen shouted, furious with his own stupidity and--well, always with Kanda. "What kind of greeting is this?!"

"Bean Sprout?" Kanda asked, totally discombobulated.

"Who the hell else would it be asshole!" Allen shook with anger as his entire gentleman facade was on a trip to the land of Oz.

"God I think I'm going to be sick." Kanda said weakly, arms barely lifting himself up off of the boy.

"Well don't get sick on me!" Allen pleased, if a little weaker. Allen had a soft side, and seeing Kanda in this state of disarray did do something to him. Kanda, completely exhausted from the day's events, no longer cared what became of him. Right there in the dumb bean sprout's arms, he fell fast asleep.

Allen held his sempai carefully, eyes wide with confusion, and yes, a little kindness.

"Stupid, you can just _say_ you missed me." he said softly, brushing the soft black hair away from Kanda's face. Allen looked up, and saw the entire HQ staff staring at him. He saw Komui stick something large behind his back, but didn't think much of it. Everyone carried worried smiles, as if uncomfortable and sudden. Allen inwardly chuckled--it was true, Kanda didn't usually show his emotions so openly--and gave them his biggest smile.

"I'm home!"

--

It was settled. The cause of Kanda's strange behavior was attributed to the conclusion that he was nervous and confused about Allen returning and his true feelings for his 'dumb bean sprout'. Hence, he had gone unstable for a short while, causing unknown psychiatric damage to a few and collateral damage to HQ--no one bothered to remind Komui that it was actually _his_ fault. No one wanted to invoke the wrath of the chainsaw again.

Silently everyone took in this information and accepted it. No one dared argue it with Komui and no one dared confirm it with Kanda.

Allen was kept unaware of the situation. Kanda's admittance of his love for him would come from his own lips, no one else's. Kanda's 'victims' kept quiet as well, wanting to really forget the whole thing, and really very confused in the first place. Kanda woke up the next day, finding nothing out of order save for some places where 'Komurin DX 300 had gone crazy' and a few strained smiles. Kanda didn't care enough to ask, and so everything passed beyond his knowledge and his only real concern was trying to process the fact of Johnny's homosexuality.

It was certainly an event to remember, but never to record.

And so, to this day, anyone in the Black Order HQ's if asked would tell you, "That prick is _so_ gay."

The End

--

A/N: Okay okay! Kanda can kill me now. So worth it. I think _The Tail of Genji_ was my favorite. Please review!


End file.
